Change

I'm writing this from a tent in my backyard on one of the last days of January. My cats are inside missing me. I'm out here missing them. At 59 degrees and dropping, it's cold, at least to me; I'm used to 80 or above. I'm going to spend the next 3 nights out here, and probably a good portion of the days too. So why am I out here?

Lately I've had several good ideas for creative endeavours I'd like to devote myself to, to see come to fruition. Today, I had an idea of combining them all into an interactive multimedia artistic (possibly collaborative) ... thing (no idea what to call it) that if done and done well would be ridiculously awesome. But I sleep, a lot. Or surf the web. Or watch TV. Or read. Or do mindless chores for far longer than they should take. Or get sick, and give in to it. Or feel sorry for myself. Or argue. For hours. About things I really don't give a fuck about. Just to argue. Or complain. I do a lot of complaining. And I usually do almost all of these things in one place, the bedroom I sleep in. These are terrible habit energies for anyone who wants to DO anything since all they encourage is profound inaction.

To even get this project off the ground, I need to do a lot of planning, and learn to competently do many difficult things, or find and work with people who have talents I haven't the time or ability to cultivate. One thing I'm definitely going to have to do is open myself up to new situations, to new people, to new ideas, to new ways of thinking.

I think this all started when I shaved my head last year. I didn't have time for everything in my life, and hair seemed like one way to steal back an hour a day. I needed to sleep so damn much just to be marginally functional. If I wanted any time to do anything but work, I could either spend it on something like hair or something else more important. What I didn't realize was that just getting rid of the hair wasn't going to change my habits. Sure I got more time, but I squandered it. Mostly I slept. A desperate and deep sleep in which I had many dreams, but could make none of them come true.

So I'm out here to change my habit energies by changing my environment. As humans we adapt to changes in our environment pretty readily. I'm out here so I can open myself up to the world, to life, to new experiences. So I can free myself from the actions and thoughts that I perform by rote inside my house. So I can make peace with my body, quit complaining about it, and move on. Sure it hurts, spine, wrists, psiatica, sore muscles, TMJ, but there's no escape from it out here. I can't eat a cubic fuckload of sugar (which for me isn't very much at all), curl up in bed, and go into a coma to avoid it. No. I'm going to live with it and own it and accept it. I'm not going to sleep and dream of people with magic or future technology fixing it. It is what it is and that is ALL it is. So I can do something other than live a life of quiet desperation. Or not so quiet depending on how my temper is doing at any given moment.

Biology does wacky things

This time I'm not writing about cats or octopi, at least not a far as I know. They may deal with this problem as much or twice as much as I do. I have no idea why but my hands and feet sweat. Not unusual, right? Here's the catch: it only happens when it's cold. It gets down to 60 and I have to dry my socks 3 times a day or go barefooted. It gets up to 85 and no sweat. How stupid is that? Sometimes biology is brilliant; sometimes not so much.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Years, everyone! I hope you had a great 2009, but as always, it's time for a new year and a fresh start. I want to fix in 2010 the things I noticed amiss in 2009.

It's that time again... time to make more resolutions with which we won't follow through. My first one is to use better grammar, as can be demonstrated in the previous sentence. I forced myself to not end with a preposition regardless of how weird it sounded.

I'm kidding. I actually have a much less silly list. So here they are, a full baker's dozen, my 2010 New Year's resolutions, listed chronologically by how soon I expect to fail at them:

1) Stop procrastinating /wasting time.
2) Spend less time at the computer / on the Internet.
3) Be less lazy.
4) Pay attention, notice details, and remember them.
5) Develop patience.
6) Get in shape.
7) Develop some sort of style that wouldn't be described as "just woke up sloppy."
8) Eliminate weaknesses that hold me back (physical, mental, emotional, psychological).
9) Exercise self-control & dignity.
10) Become competent at an artistic skill.
11) Write at least one of the 1/2 dozen stories I have floating around in my head & post more.
12) Become competent at my job.
13) Emulate the best qualities of the people / fictional characters I admire most.

Honestly, I'm not sure there's any real chronology here at all. If I fail at one, I've pretty much set myself up to fail at the whole lot. Maybe it's because I just turned 30, or maybe it's just because it's the right time, but I do have a plan of sorts this year. #1 and 2 are crucial time management issues that need to be dealt with for anything else to be possible. #3, 4, 5, 8, 9, and 13 are all dealing with character flaws / encouraging greater expression of desired behavior/ character and will mostly be facilitated by #4. #6, 7, 10, 11, and 12 are skills-based resolutions that require some kind of practice or long-term time and energy commitment made possible by 1, 2, 3,4, 5, 8, 9, and 13. I believe if I can develop 1, 2, and 3 into solid habits, the others stand some chance at success, so I shall focus on those. Feel free to offer any advice or suggestions.

What are your resolutions and how do you plan to make them happen? Do you think it's even possible to set such a list and actually succeed? Know of any success stories?